Let’s talk about rules, rules with a positive twist, Law of Attraction style. The Law of Attraction is a law of the universe. Like the Law of Gravity and “Don’t wear white after Labor Day”. The Law of Attraction states that like attracts like. Negative thoughts attract more negative thoughts and negative experiences, and positive thoughts create more positive thoughts and positive experiences.

Have you ever noticed, if someone in your household starts bugging you, pretty soon everyone and everything starts bothering you? This is the Law of Attraction working. You start only focusing on and notice the negative and eventually all you want to do is escape from your “pain in the booty” family. On the other hand, if you are in a great mood when you get home, you notice how sweet your children are and focus on how much you love and adore them. The things that bugged you before now seem charming and could even make you laugh. The Law of Attraction centers on how you choose to direct your thoughts, emotions, and focus. Well, that was a very brief description of the Law of Attraction and I will go into it in more detail in future articles, so stay tuned.This is where changing your rules and words become so important.

When you stop using words like No, Don’t, Can’t, Shouldn’t and other negatives, you will start attracting positive feelings and results. It is very hard for people and especially kids, to quickly figure out that they are not supposed to do something and then turn around what they aren’t supposed to do, into what they should do. If you tell your child “Don’t hit her!”, your child’s brain has to take a few moments to stop what they are doing and think.

“Oh, hitting is what I’m not supposed to do, so that means I’m supposed to be nice; touch gently; keep my hands to myself, which I guess means I shouldn’t be popping this kid in the face right now! Oops!” Meanwhile, it’s too late and your child just smacked the other kid and is now known around town as Rocky.

Ouch! To make thing clear and easier for your child and to get more effective results and fewer black eyes, tell your child what you want and expect from them.

Instead of “Don’t hit him!”, say touch nicely, keep your hands to yourself, touch with loving hands. I have found, it is a lot easier to say with out raising my voice. I would sound kind of crazy screaming “ONLY LOVING TOUCHES!” in a grocery store line.

Set up a meeting time to talk to your family, to make new rules together, “Nice Rules.” Talk about all of the rules that you have now and turn them around from a negative to a positive. They will be more direct and easier to follow.

Here are some examples of nice rules that I have set:

“Don’t be rude.” Turned into, “use nice words”, or “use a nice tone”.

“Stop yelling.” Turned into, “talk softly”, or “use your inside quiet voice”.

“Stop Running.” Turned into, “use your walking feet”, or “slow down”.

“No standing on the table.” Turned into, “keep your feet on the floor”.

“Stop picking your nose.” Turned into, “use a tissue”.

It may seem like a very simple thing to do, but I can guarantee that changing your words will be challenging for you at first. We have been taught to always say the negative and it is a challenge for me as well. I am constantly trying to change my words and I notice that the negatives slip out often, especially when I’m tired or frustrated, and this will happen. It is work, at first, but I have found that it does make a big difference in our moods and how effectively kids respond.

Here are some subjects to talk about with your family to help you set the rules that you want. Use what ever speaks to you and trash the rest. Some parents could be totally fine with children drawing on the wall, while others would go absolutely BONKERS over it.

You could talk about the following:

Being Kind

Using nice words

Loving each other

Having fun

Being happy

Smiling

Being thankful

Excepting people for who they are

What you like about your family

Gentle touches

Being healthy

Eating healthy

Healthy habits

Good communication

Talking about how they feel

Talk about what they want, instead of what they don’t want

I’m sure you too will be able to add your own positive rules to talk about. Each one of these topics could take you into a discussion with your family, bringing you even closer together.

These nice rules will help your child attract a more positive attitude, which will lead to a happy and rewarding life. If you and your child are feeling good and looking for the best in a situation instead of the worst, you will attract what ever you want into your lives. If you start thinking and speaking positively, you’ll be amazed at the change in your home environment. And you can kiss those unwanted black eye’s good bye. Well, of course accidents still could happen! Smile, and enjoy each other!

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Couples therapists, technically known as Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs) are relationship specialists that are trained in both psychotherapy and family systems.  They must have at least two years of experience in addition to the appropriate degree and proper licensing.

These couples counselors are licensed to diagnose and treat mental and emotional disorders within the context of marriage, couples and family systems.

What Are The Qualifications For A Couples Therapist?

Couples counseling is a recognized mental health field with graduate and post graduate programs.

Degree. A couples therapist will have one of three degrees: a master’s degree (2-3 years), a doctorate (3-5 years), or post-graduate clinical training programs (3-4 years).

Clinical Experience. After graduation, two years of supervised clinical experience is required before the therapist can be licensed or otherwise certified.  The prospective therapist must then take a state licensure examination or a standardized national exam.

Choosing A Marriage Counselor

Thanks to technology and the internet, we no longer rely on the phone book as our primary source to locate a therapist specializing in couples therapy.

If you do an internet search, you will find therapists in your area and many of these have their own websites.  Also, ask close friends and family for a recommendation.  Clergy and medical professionals are also good sources of referrals.

Once you search has been narrowed, it is time to begin making phone calls.  The therapist will likely have a brief phone consultation with you and answer questions you might have.

The phone consultation is a great way to determine if you and the prospective marriage counselor might work well together.

How Does Couples Therapy Work?

Couples therapists work toward a resolution of the long-term mental health of individuals and their families in the context of the family relationship.

Sick families create sick family members.

The goal of a couples counselor is to address dysfunction within the marriage and restore a mutually satisfying relationship.

Family therapy generally consists of a course of short term therapy.  The treatment lasts about 90-120 days with about 12 weekly sessions.  The treatment includes individual sessions with each spouse or member of the family unit as well as marital and family group therapy.

The therapist may use cognitive behavioral therapy or other forms of cognitive therapy to treat the couple and other family members if necessary.

The attractive quality of couple’s counseling lies in its brief, solution-focused treatment, its family-centered approach, and its demonstrated effectiveness.

Cost of Couple’s Counseling

Family and marriage counseling costs can vary widely from state to state and region to region..

Rates range from $75 to $200 per hour.  However, many therapist have sliding scales based upon income.  Many couples therapists accept insurance and others do not.

The average cost for marriage and family counseling is about $100 per session.

Online Therapy:  Is It A Viable Option?

Officially, the mental health community is still undecided with respect to online therapy.

The inability to meet with patients face to face raises important treatment and ethical concerns.  Online counseling is still in its infancy, so regulations for treatment are still not established.  Even those regulations that do exist, vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction.

However, at least one mental health organization has published ethical guidelines for online marriage therapy and e-counseling services.

Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Surveys indicate that most clients of couples counselors rated their experience as good or excellent.  More importantly, a majority of clients reported an improvement in the relationship.

Couples therapy is an established, well-regulated, treatment option for couples in need of therapy.  A couples therapist engages the couple by following a recognized course of treatment in a clinical environment.

Rest assured, couple therapy is an effective means to heal the problem relationship.

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I celebrated my first Father’s Day yesterday.  Shelley and I recently began to foster our two sons, Rob and Mason.  We are in the process of adopting them.  We learned last week that the courts have cleared the way for us to consummate the adoption.

Naturally, this news made my first Father’s Day all the more sweet.

As I tucked my boys in their beds Sunday night, I took a moment to contemplate the sort of men they will become – not their vocation.  I am determined to be satisfied with their choice of vocation so long as they do something that fulfills their life purpose.

I am talking about the content of their character.

I have learned that it is always prudent to sketch a plan before beginning anything.  So, I decided to begin contemplating some of the life lessons that I want to instill in my sons.

I would also like to share those with you.  Here they are:

Awe Of The Creator

From the smallest insect to the most majestic mountain, I am continually in awe of that which has been created in our world.  Have you ever stopped to look at a bee busily working on a flower?  Have you ever watched the clouds and they mutate into all sorts of interesting shapes?

If you haven’t taken time to do so, I encourage you to take some time and really observe the awesome world.

Consideration Of Others

Of course, we all understand that other people have rights and are worthy of respect.  But, I want my sons to go further.

I want to cultivate a sense of consideration for others.

I want them to refrain from using offensive language in the presence of a lady.  I want them to hold the door open for others.  I want them to consider the plight of the panhandler in the street.  I want them to occasionally pay for a lonely  soldier’s meal.

In learning the trait of consideration, I expect that they will receive much more than the small gratuities that they bestow on their neighbor.

Appreciation Of Diversity

I often laugh that I tend to attract people who are “different.”

But, often, these “different” people have given me the most profound insights into life.  I want them to savor the teachings of the world’s religions, the sense of community and family that permeates certain ethnic groups as well as the respect to be afforded to every man, regardless of the amount of melanin in his skin or the shape of his eyes.

Family

While it is true that you cannot choose your family, you change choose to love them and encourage them.  I was taught that the concept of “family” also includes close friends.

This is a concept that permeates many other cultures.

I want my children to learn to love, and be loved, by as many people as possible.

Patience

I admit that I struggle with patience.

I come from a long line of impatient German and Scottish people.  It has been a thorn in my flesh that has caused me much misery and consternation throughout my life.  I believe that lack of patience has been a contributing factor in my inability to use the law of attraction to consciously create the desires of my heart.

I want my sons to learn the experience the peace that comes with patience.

Tolerance

No one is perfect.

Everyone is annoying.

Most people have odd or weird beliefs, many of which are diametrically opposed to my own odd and weird beliefs.

We are all given free will.  This includes the free will to have annoying behaviors, bad attitudes and crazy beliefs.

However, if I cannot learn to embrace them, I still need to learn to tolerate them…not for their benefit, but for my own peace of mind.  I hope my children learn to be tolerant early in their lives.

Doing so will spare my sons much frustration, heartache and pain.

Gratitude

Appreciate every experience whether it is good or bad.

We have a dry erase board in our kitchen on the refrigerator.  Each day, we are encouraged to write something for which we are grateful.

I have learned, over the past three years, that gratitude is responsible for my success, wealth, conscious creation efforts.

If I cannot be grateful for the circumstances in my life, I can be grateful for the lessons that I have learned (or will learn) from the experience.  I want my sons to experience the same.

Love Your Spouse

I have learned that every day, I have to make a fresh commitment to love Shelley – no matter what.

Love is not a feeling, it is a decision.

I watched my father decide to spend day after day (and might after night) with my mother as she slowly died of cancer.

I want my sons to learn that when you choose to love your spouse, unconditionally, you are also loving yourself.

Good Enough

I am a perfectionist and I am working diligently to change that attitude.

Because of my tendency to be a perfectionist, I have experienced feelings of depression, procrastination, low self esteem, and burnout.  The reality is that what I deem to be  “good enough” is far higher than others’ standard of perfection.  Some activities require perfection, but most only require “good enough.”

I want my sons to know the difference between the two.

Be A Leader

I recently took a first aid class and was surprised to learn that, in an accident, many people die because no one steps up and takes charge of the scene.  This does not occur because people are heartless, it is a social phenomenon where each person in the group expects someone else to take the lead.

I have always been willing to step up and volunteer.

I want my sons to be leaders, not followers.

Conclusion

I recognize that my sons are individuals and have a right of self-determination.  I realize that, under some circumstances, they will only be able to learn these lessons through trial and error.  It is my hope that, with a little coaching and coaxing from me, they will learn these life lessons sooner, rather than later.

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